Like most young adults, my views on religion have evolved as I have grown. As mortals, we all face death. If you’re going to die someday, you’d better be darn sure to file your paperwork with the appropriate deity, and file it early. I doubt the Almighty One would look very favorably on someone who hurriedly shoved their application in the mail in hopes that the Holy Office receives it before the deadline arrives.

Some background: I was raised Catholic, but I’m not particularly attached to Catholicism; I prefer to consider myself a Christian. I’m politically liberal, which informs my distaste for the whole Baptist/Evangelical/Pentecostal scene. (I once received a pamphlet from someone at Grace Church informing me that as a Catholic, I was doomed to hell. Duly noted.)

While I haven’t lost faith, I haven’t really embraced it either.

I want to find God. I want to be less apathetic about Christianity.

Two things push me away:

1. I’ve seen many people present themselves as Christian (as above) while believing and proclaiming things that strike me as profoundly un-Christian: denouncing other Christian denominations, interpreting the Bible hyper-literally, advocating creationism, and presenting religion as the basis for ultra-conservatism.
2. As a programmer, I think about everything logically. There is no scientific proof that God exists. The Vulcan in me would dismiss religion because of its disconnection with science. Creationism is clearly false, ergo people who interpret the Bible literally are wrong. Without evidence for God, my belief fades.

In order to really strengthen my belief in God, I need to account for these two conundrums. I suspect that I can reconcile the first by admitting that religious institutions aren’t really God’s creation, but man’s, and by recognizing that people who claim to follow Jesus aren’t necessarily on the right path either. I’ll resolve my second issue if I can find enough rational thought and evidence for God to quell my logic-based doubt.

Those are my two prominent unanswered doubts, and they aren’t the kind of questions that can be answered easily. I may have to grapple with them for a while. I’ll have to seek answers, since I can’t find the solutions in my own mind.

Donald Miller gave a presentation at Gateway Church last fall. He said something that really hit home:

We are a part of a huge story: The Epic of Creation, which is told in the Bible through many stories and teachings. Human Life is not the climax of the story, though: We are in act two. The Bible didn’t end when Jesus rose from the dead.

Don explained that a story is “a sense-making device, in which a character wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.” Every story ever written or told follows that pattern; there must be conflict in order for there to be resolution.

The part that struck me was the way he described the Bible as an epic story. Not just any epic, mind you. The epic. The most magnificent story ever told, and ever to be told.

There’s something in that nugget of wisdom that I can’t ignore. It makes everything seem so right, like the pieces of a puzzle finally clicking into place to reveal a masterpiece.

I asked for, and received, a NLT Bible for Christmas. I already had a Bible, but I wanted one that is willing to eschew traditional wording in favor of a tone that better represents the meaning of passages rather than their literal translation.

The next step in my search for God: I must read The Epic.

I have considered writing about my findings, though I haven’t yet decided. The Epic of Creation isn’t something I intend to speed through, after all. It must be given a fair, thorough read.

I hope that, like a good book, I will one day finish the last page, close the book, and find myself filled with clarity and understanding.

Realistically, one reading probably won’t leave me questionless. The Epic is an instruction manual for life, the universe, and everything. As a man, I don’t always read instructions. But when you can’t figure it out yourself, what do they always say?

Read the manual.